Tom Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

    My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...

    "Your name?"
    >> "Dinesh."
    >> "How do you spell it?"
    >> "D-I-N...."
    >> "Slow, slow, T?"
    >> "No, D.
    >> "Is that T as in Tom, or D as in Dennis?"
    >> "No, not Dennis, my name is Dinesh."
    >> "I know that. I am asking you, is that a T as in Tom, or D as in. ..
    >> as in Detroit?"
    >> "I don't know who Tom is, and I haven't been to Detroit. I just came
    >> to the US from Madras."
    >> "OK, OK, I know that. Is that T-I- or D-I-? "
    >> "D. D-I-. D-I-N-E-S-H."
    >> "Is that your last name or first name?"
    >> "Uh? Dinesh is my name."
    >> "OK. What is your LAst name?"
    >> "That is my first and last name. Dinesh."
    >> "Then, is your name Dinesh Dinesh?"
    >> "No. My name is Dinesh."
    >> "But what is your LAST NAME? I am ASKING YOU ABOUT more...

    ADVICE FROM THE ANCIENTS.....

    Bill Clinton went jogging one morning last week to clear his head and think about his troubles. He came upon the Washington monument and paused. Looking up he said,' George, what should I do?'

    After a few seconds George replied,' Abolish the IRS and start over.'

    Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said' Tom, what should I do?'

    After a few seconds Tom replied,' Abolish welfare and start over.'

    Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said,' Abe, what should I do?'

    After a few seconds Abe replied' Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?'

    Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.' Great,' said Tom.' I love spaghetti.'' So do I,' said Dick.' And how's the toilet brush, Harry?'' Not so good,' Harry said,' I reckon I'll go back to paper...'

    The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

    "Hello?"

    "Hello, is this FBI?"

    "Yes. What do you want?"

    "I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

    "This will be noted."

    Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

    The phone rings at Tom's house.

    "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"

    "Yeah!"

    "Did they chop your firewood?"

    "Yeah they did."

    "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

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