Toddler Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Dear Santa:
    I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
    I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
    Here are my Christmas wishes:
    I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last more...

    Flabby Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with
    most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you
    don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat
    diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3
    days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is
    there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland
    problem? Or is there a slim (groan) hope?
    Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed,
    as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a
    cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
    After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught
    moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering
    great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet,
    however, be sure more...

    If I like it, it's mine.
    If it's in my hand, it's mine.
    If I can take it from you, it's mine.
    If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
    If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
    If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
    If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
    If I think it's mine, it's mine.
    If I...
    Oops! I'm sorry, I goofed! Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws, I've been typing in Bill Gates' primary Business Plan.

    It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.
    The following are this year's candidates:
    1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
    2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might more...

    New Miracle Diet!
    Flabby people are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet).
    Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Or is there a slim hope?
    Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
    After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught parents, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your more...

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