Tie Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.
    "Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"
    "I dunno," said the second.
    "Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole.   They waitedand waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.
    "Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.
    While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.
    "Yeah, just now," said more...

    1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
    2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
    3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
    4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
    5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
    6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
    7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
    8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
    9. Remove present from bag.
    10. Remove cat from bag.
    11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
    12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
    13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
    14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.
    15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by more...

    I have a fruitcake which has been in my family for several years. Apparently,
    my family saves them for the following year and gives them as a gift to
    someone else. That's how the fruitcake that I gave my mother four years ago
    finally made its way back into my hands. (Mom gave it to brother, brother
    gave it to sister, then sister gave it to me).

    Since the fruitcake tradition appears to be unstoppable, this year I've decided
    to replace our family's fruitcake with a more durable one which we will cherish
    for years.

    Items Needed
    -------------
    4 Oz. Fruit Bits
    1 Railroad Tie
    Wood Saw
    Large Rubber Mallet
    Safety Goggles

    WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES.
    (Children Get help from an adult!)

    Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting
    block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

    Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the more...

    Items Needed:

    -------------
    4 Oz. Fruit Bits
    1 Railroad Tie
    Wood Saw
    Large Rubber Mallot
    Safety Goggles

    WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children: Get help from an adult!) Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

    Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber mallot. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallot! Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can't break anything.

    For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).

    Finally, cover it tightly in platic wrap, and give your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake!

    "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

    One student replied:

    "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

    This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

    For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead more...

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