Tie Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.
    "Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"
    "I dunno," said the second.
    "Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole.   They waitedand waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.
    "Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.
    While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.
    "Yeah, just now," said more...

    An Eagles fan, a Dallas Cowboy's fan and a NY Giant fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to DEATH!

    However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

    By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

    As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

    The Cowboy fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought more...

    A Sardar, a German and a Pakistani got
    arrested consuming alcohol which
    is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so
    for the terrible crime they are
    all sentenced 20 lashes each of the
    whip.
    As they were preparing for their
    punishment, the Sheik announced:
    "It's my first wife's birthday today,
    and she has asked me to allow
    each of you one wish before your
    whipping."
    The German was first in line, he thought
    for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
    This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
    The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."
    But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.
    The Sardar was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned more...

    1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
    2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
    3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
    4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
    5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
    6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
    7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
    8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
    9. Remove present from bag.
    10. Remove cat from bag.
    11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
    12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
    13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
    14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.
    15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by more...

    I have a fruitcake which has been in my family for several years. Apparently,
    my family saves them for the following year and gives them as a gift to
    someone else. That's how the fruitcake that I gave my mother four years ago
    finally made its way back into my hands. (Mom gave it to brother, brother
    gave it to sister, then sister gave it to me).

    Since the fruitcake tradition appears to be unstoppable, this year I've decided
    to replace our family's fruitcake with a more durable one which we will cherish
    for years.

    Items Needed
    -------------
    4 Oz. Fruit Bits
    1 Railroad Tie
    Wood Saw
    Large Rubber Mallet
    Safety Goggles

    WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES.
    (Children Get help from an adult!)

    Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting
    block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

    Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the more...

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