Texas Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    That's Nice

    Hot 2 months ago

    Two Southern belles, one of whom was from Texas, were seated on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion talking. The first woman, who was not from Texas, said, "When my first child was born, my husband had this beautiful mansion built for me."
    "That's nice," commented the lady from Texas.
    "When my second child was born," the first woman continued, "he bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
    Again, the lady from Texas commented, "That's nice."
    "Then, when my third child was born," boasted the first woman, "he bought me this very exquisite diamond and emerald bracelet."
    Once more, the lady from Texas commented, "That's nice."
    "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" asked the first woman.
    "My husband sent me to charm school," answered the lady from Texas.
    "Charm school!" exclaimed more...

    Texas: Convicted

    Hot 1 month ago

    Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence.
    For payment, he provided the court a check - a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

    Rangers Sign Nolan Ryan

    Hot 2 weeks ago

    Nolan Ryan has agreed to become the Texas Rangers’ new president, making him the best pitcher in the organization.

    Texas Chili Contest

    Hot 3 years ago

    Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the east coast:
    Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The regular judge called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the two other judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the chili tasting, so I accepted.
    Here are the scorecards from the event:
    CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
    Judge #1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge #2: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild.
    Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me 3 beers to put the flames out. I hope this is the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    Judge #1: Smoky, with more...

    A Texas rancher was driving through Mexico and stopped at the edge of the road to admire the scenery and a white beautiful horse caught his eye. The horse looked healthy well kept and was in a separate corral. Just for tries the Texan asked one of the workers if the horse was for sale. The worker trying to communicate said "No, no, he no look to good." The Texan was not satisfied with the answered because he saw that the animal looked great and insisted on buying it, after a few arguments the worker arranged for the sale and the Texan took the horse back to his ranch. He rode the horse through his ranch and galloped to the barn when suddenly the horse ran right into the barn wall. Frustrated the Texan takes the horse back to Mexico and talks to the worker that sold him the horse and explains what happened. The worker said, "I told you he no look to good"

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