Taylor Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Then: Swallowing acid Now: Swallowing antacid Then: You’re growing pot Now: Your growing pot Then: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents Now: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your kids Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Then: Passing the driving test Now: Passing the vision test Then: Seeds and stems Now: Roughage Then: Popping pills, smoking joints Now: Popping joints Then: Whatever? Now: Depends Then: Ommmmmm Now: Ummmmm Then: Our president’s struggle with Fidel Now: Our president’s struggle with fidelity

    "We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week - all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn." -Stephen Colbert
    "Yesterday Condoleezza Rice went into President Bush's office and said, 'I'm off to Lebanon.' And President Bush said, 'Vacation?'." -Jay Leno
    "Saddam Hussein has been on a hunger strike for seventeen days. They had to nurse him back to health with a feeding tube to get him healthy enough so he can go back on trial. And then be put to death. It is an odd thing. Two years ago, we were dropping ten thousand pound bombs on the guy. Now we're feeding him nutrients through a tube. No wonder he's confused." -Jimmy Kimmel
    "This more...

    A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died."
    The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you."
    The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passsed away.
    The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"

    A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died."The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you."The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passsed away.The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"

    A man calls his lawyers office. When the receptionist answers the phone he asks to speak to Mr. Taylor, his lawyer.
    The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but Mr. Taylor died last week." The man says nothing and hangs up the phone.
    The next day he calls the office and again asks for Mr. Taylor. The receptionist says, "Sir, I told you yesterday that Mr. Taylor has died." The man again says nothing and hangs up the phone.
    The next day he calls the office again and asks for his lawyer. The receptionist gets angry and says "Sir, I have told you for two days that Mr. Taylor has passed away. Why do you continue to call?"
    The man then answers "I like hearing good news when I call my lawyers office."

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