Switch Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    The Image Of Rank

    Hot 5 years ago

    General:
    Leaps over tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.

    Colonel:
    Leaps over short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, and talks to God.

    Lieutenant Colonel:
    Leaps over short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is as fast as a speeding b-b, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if special request is approved.

    Major:
    Barely clears quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occassionally addressed by God.

    Captain:
    Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can someimes handle a weapon without inflicting self-injury, can doggie-paddle, and talks to more...

    Tech Support (Classic)

    Hot 6 years ago

    "Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"
    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
    "What sort of trouble?"
    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
    "Went away?"
    "They disappeared."
    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
    "Nothing."
    "Nothing?"
    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
    "How do I tell?"
    [Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]
    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
    "What's a sea-prompt?"
    [Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]
    "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
    "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
    [Ah-at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware more...

    Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time...
    Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.
    When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.
    When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.
    Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.
    Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.
    Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.
    Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!"
    Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.
    "Accidentally" spill your soda on the dork next to you.
    Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't."
    Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! more...

    Bad Conductor

    Hot 2 years ago

    The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."
    After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."
    Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small more...

    "Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"
    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
    "What sort of trouble?"
    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
    "Went away?"
    "They disappeared."
    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
    "Nothing."
    "Nothing?"
    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
    "How do I tell?"
    [Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
    "What's a sea-prompt?"
    [Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
    "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
    [Ah-at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I more...

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