Suggestion Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Premature Ejaculation

    Hot 3 years ago

    A man who was having problems with premature ejaculation went to see his doctor to find out what could be done to cure his problem.
    "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try doing something to startle yourself," suggested the doctor.
    Taking the doctor's suggestion to heart, the man went out and bought himself a starter pistol. Anxious to try the suggestion, he ran home to his wife and found her naked in bed waiting for him.
    As they began, they found themselves in the 69 position. A few short moments later, the man felt the sudden urge to ejaculate, grabbed the pistol and fired it.
    The next day, he returned to his doctor.
    "Well, how did it go?" the doctor asked.
    "Not very well at all," replied the man. "As soon as I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit me really hard where it counts most and my neighbor jumped out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

    This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

    My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...

    Suggestion box

    Hot 2 years ago

    I asked Dan Judd, a graduate student who works for me, to look into creating
    an electronic suggestion box for the dean of the college. This is what he
    came back with.
    Options for creating an anonymous suggestion box for the Dean.
    1) Slip note under Dean's door.
    Pro - Simple.
    Would cost less to implement than generating this report.
    Con - Only small notes fit.
    Not too anonymous in the middle of the day.
    2) Put note in box outside Dean's office.
    Pro - Simple.
    Anonymity reasonable during the day.
    Box can be easily emptied into trash at end of day.
    Con - Requires ability to find the Dean's office.
    Suggestions weighing more a few pounds unworkable.
    Box can be easily emptied into trash at end of day.
    Will probably get more gum wrappers that suggestions.
    3) Mail to an address that strips off headers and forwards to Dean.
    Pro - Easy to do from anywhere in the building.
    Big messages not a problem.
    Electronic more...

    Labelings

    Hot 3 years ago

    These are real labelings on real products that they sell around the world.
    On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?...)
    On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's just a SUGGESTION.)
    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Hmm, a no go on the dessert)
    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (Really? I thought it would be cold)
    On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (Oh darn, I was going to!)
    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (That would really bring down the number of construction accidents by keeping those 5-year-olds off of those forklifts!)
    On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (And I'm taking this because?)
    On most brands of more...

    A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
    One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
    Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
    Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
    "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
    The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for more...

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