Stretcher Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Bob was driving home after a day at the construction site; over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph.
    Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
    The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?" Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!"
    The cop took a good look at the young bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
    Bob said, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
    The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
    "I'm a cunt stretcher," replied Bob.
    "What you say, BOY?!!" asked the patrolman. more...

    Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding. Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
    The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?"
    Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 35?"
    "SIXTY-SEVEN mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
    "But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
    Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone more...

    Increasingly late for work after a wonderful day of fishing, a man is pulled over by a Police Officer. The Officer walks up to the genteman's car window and asks, "Sir, why are you in such a hurry."
    The man replies, "I am late for for work."
    To this the police Officer asks, "and what do ou do for a living Sir, that requires you to drive so fast?"
    The man replies, "I am an asshole stretcher."
    The Officer asks in reply, "what is an asshole stretcher."
    The man replies, "well its exactly what it sounds like, I stretch assholes for a living."
    Stunned, the Officer asks, "how on this Earth does one go about stretching an asshole?'
    To this the man replies, "well you start out by shoving to finger up the hole. Then, you stick some fingers up the asshole until you can get both hands all the way up the ass. Then, you slowly start to pull your arms apart until the asshole you're stretching is six more...

    Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.
    Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed "I can't break this! I need exact change."
    "Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?"
    "Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector.
    "While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?"
    "Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked.
    Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
    "A what?" asked the collector.
    "A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.
    "What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked.
    "Well just as the name more...

    Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed "I can't break this! I need exact change.""Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?""Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector."While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?""Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked.Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher.""A what?" asked the collector."A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance."What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked."Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums." Jack explained setting more...

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