Stress Jokes / Recent Jokes
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. "
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
"Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broke...."
"Someone must've more...
10. Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only
because they haven't had sex yet.
9. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.
8. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like
smoking something a whole lot stronger.
7. You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.
6. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.
5. Sex releives stress, school is the cause of stress.
4. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.
3. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
2. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper
than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
1. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At
school your teachers screw you regardless!!!
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."
Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange.
Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago.
The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.
Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening."
"I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your more...
A guy goes to his doctor and says "Doc, ya gotta help me. My dick is turning orange!"
Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can have a look. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange! Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life. How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired 6 weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy says "No, the boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hrs of overtime every week, and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting twice my old pay, and the boss is real cool."
So the doc thinks a little longer and says "Well, do you have any hobbies or a social life?" Guy says, "No, most nights I just sit at home watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos."
A man walks into a bar and pulls out a brown tennis ball sized rubbery ball and begins to squeeze it. Another man from the other side of the bar asks, whats that thing supposed to do for ya mate. The 1st guy replies, its to releive me of stress. 2nd man asks, so where'd you get it from? 1st guy says, Oh I found it. so the 2nd man asks if he could try, sure you can, replies the 1st guy, and rolls the ball across the bar. The 2nd man begins squeezing it, he then says, this is oddly familiar, then he sniffs it and then says, I know what that is, thats SHIT!!! and throws the ball at the 1st guy. The 1st guy says, IS IT! Thank christ, I spent so long picking it out my ass I thought it was Cancer!
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.