Stoned Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Dopin' Lizard

    Hot 6 years ago

    A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! what are you doing?"
    The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
    So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get adrink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
    A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
    The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
    The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey you!"
    The Monkey looks down more...

    A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled
    down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem,
    Officer?"
    "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am
    pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations.
    What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
    He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that
    drivers' license."
    The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman,
    "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smarty-pants when he's drunk
    and stoned."
    The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get
    far in a stolen car!"
    At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled
    voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

    One day two drinking buddies Jim and David were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up "Man I really need a drink!" in response David replied, "You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk." "Really?" said Jim "That's what I heard man. Do you wanna try it?" Said David "Sure, hell I'll try anything once!" Said Jim. SO with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. so they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn't felt this good in years. "Wow!!" He said. About that time his telephone rang. "Hello?" Jim Said "Hello Jim? Came the reply more...

    - He looks stoned
    - Nan please, he has down syndrome

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