A motorist gets a flat tire and pulls over to the side of the road, where he proceeds to change over to the spare. Whilst removing the wheel, he drops the wheel nuts down the gutter drain. He has a fit and starts shouting obscenities.
Just off the roadway, another guy puts his head to a steel fence and calls out to the motorist, "What's up with you?"
The motorist tells him and the guy behind the fence says, "No problem. Just remove one nut from each of the other wheels and that should get you to the service station at the next town. Just be sure to drive slowly."
The motorist exclaims, "That's a brilliant idea!"
Just then, he notices a sign above the steel grilled fence which reads, "Happy Valley Funny Farm." "How come you can come up with such a great idea," he says to the guy behind the fence, "yet you're in the looney bin?"
To which the inmate replies, "I may be mad, but I'm not stupid!"
First, I was going to tell you about the wooden car that I built, with a wooden engine, but it wooden go.
Then, I built it out of steel, but it steel wooden go.
Finally, I built it out of tin; now it tin go!
I even put Italian tires on it. Dago through rain, dago through mud, dago through snow.
But, when dago flat, dago Wop, Wop, Wop!
In 1923, do you know who was:
President of the largest steel company?
President of the largest gas company?
President of the New York Stock Exchange?
Greatest wheat speculator?
President of the Bank of International Settlement?
Great Bear of Wall Street?
The winner of the US Open and PGA Tournaments?
These men were considered among the world's most successful. At least they were at the peak of their money making careers. Now, more than 55 years later, do you know what became of them???
The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, became insane.
The President of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died a suicide.
Lights not burning too bright. Like a barometer - vacuum at the top. Like a loose-leaf folder in winter. Like a one-armed man climbing a rope. Likes dunking for french fries. Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track. Lives in La-la-land. Lives in the same world, but a different universe. Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum. Long on dry wall, short on studs. Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room. Looks for the "Any" key. Loose chip on the microprocessor board. Loose wire to his headset/ringer. Low on thinking gas. Low-bandwidth as an information source. Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps. Made a career out of mid-life crisis. Mainspring's wound too tight. Makes a black hole look bright. Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good. Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written. Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test. Mentally qualified for handicapped parking. Metronome needs oil. Might still be a more...
What do you call a dog with no back legs and balls of steel? Sparky