Stalin Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Comrade Stalin

    Hot 5 days ago

    Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his
    successor.
    "The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this: will the people
    follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
    "They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."
    "I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"
    "No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."

    Summitry

    Hot 5 years ago

    At the end of World War II Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin met at the
    famous Yalta Conference. During a break the three chiefs of state were
    relaxing. Wanting to show off a bit Roosevelt took out a silver
    cigarette case on which was engraved: "To FDR from a loyal Democratic
    Party."
    Not to be outdone Churchill took out a gold cigar case on which
    was engraved: "To Winston from the loyal Tories."
    Stalin then smiled broadly and reaching into his vest withdrew an enormous
    cigar case encrusted with rubies and emeralds on which was written: "To
    Count Esterhazy from the Vienna Jockey Club."

    Told in the USSR

    Hot 5 years ago

    It seems that once upon a time Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev were all
    traveling together on this train from Moscow to Vladivostok when,
    at one point, the engines stuttered and the train came grinding to a halt.
    Two hours later, nothing more had happened; the train was still stopped.
    Stalin got up. "I'll take care of this."
    He went out and had all of the engineers and train-workers shot.
    He came back into the compartment and sat back down.
    "That should take care of it."
    Two more hours passed; the train has not moved.
    Khrushchev got up. "I'll take care of this."
    He went out, found a few engineers hiding in the rear of the train,
    and, after a while, managed to persuade them to start working on the
    train again. He came back into the compartment and sat down.
    "That should take care of it."
    Ten minutes later there was this loud groaning noise from the engines;
    the train lurched forward and more...

    Stalin is giving a speech in a small auditorium. During a pause, someone
    in the audience sneezes. Looking up, Stalin asks,
    "Who sneezed?"
    Noone answers. Stalin orders the guards to escort the last three rows of
    people outside, where they are executed. Stalin then asks,
    "Now, who sneezed?"
    Again, noone answers. Again, Stalin orders the guards to escort the last
    three rows outside. Shots are heard. Again, Stalin asks,
    "Now! Who sneezed??"
    A small, bespectacled man in the second row raises his hand and says,
    "Um, I did, comrade."
    To which Stalin replies,
    "Bless you."
    ... and then continues his speech.

    When Stalin was in office, he once noted that there were mice in his study and complained to President Kalinin about this. The President thought for a moment and suggested, "Why don`t you put up a sign reading `Collective Farm`? Half the mice will die of hunger and the other half will run away."

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