Stage Jokes / Recent Jokes

This homeless guy walks into a bar and says, "Gimme whiskey."

The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first."

"I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart dixie!"

The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees. The homeless guy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.

The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart dixie! Not shit all over my stage!"

The guy replies, "Hey! Even Bob Dylan has to clear his throat before he sings!"

The Cleveland Symphony Orchestra was rehearsing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. There is an extensive section where the bass players don't play for twenty minutes of so. One of them decided that, rather than stand around on stage looking bored and stupid, they'd all just file offstage during their tacit-time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play. It seemed like a good idea at the time.On the night of the performance, the bass players filed off as planned. The last one had barely left the stage when the leader suggested, "Hey we've got twenty minutes, let's fun across the street to the bar for a few!"This idea was met with great approval, so off they went, tuxedos and all, to loosen up. Fifteen minutes and a few rounds later, one of the bass players said, "Shouldn't we be heading back? It's almost time."But the leader announced, "Oh don't worry, we'll have some extra time - I played a little joke on the conductor. Before the performance more...

The world's greatest hypnotist is on stage in front of hundredsof people swinging a long chain with a watch on the end.He's saying, "You're all in my power...you're all in my power.."Fifteen hundred people are going, "Oooo..."He starts to say it again, "You're all in my...", when heaccidentally drops the watch.He says, "Shit."It took them two weeks to dig everybody out.

1) The first is Smurf S? x.
This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen S? x.
This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have s? x anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third stage is Bedroom S? x.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you've got kids, so you have to do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth stage is Hallway S? x.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "f? ck you!"
5) The fifth stage is Courtroom S? x.
This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots.
During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept
of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the
intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a
solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.
Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked
if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a
solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer), a previously unknown
section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word
"burrito."
It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.

The 5 Stages of Drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING: This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH: This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so more...

1. It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than for your amp.
2. Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.
3. All your fans leave by 9: 30 p. m.
4. All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.
5. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your play list.
6. Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.
7. You don't know (or care) who any of the new bands are.
8. You need your glasses to see the amp settings.
9. You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
10. You feel like hell before the gig even starts.