Spoken Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her.

    During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined. One
    day, three men were led up to die. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor,
    and the third was an engineer.
    The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the attending priest blessed him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine. The blade was released, but stopped halfway down its path. The priest, seeing an opportunity, quickly said, "Gentlemen, God has spoken and said this man is to be spared; we cannot kill him." The executioner agreed, and the lawyer was set free.
    The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and placed his head down. The blade was released, and again stopped halfway down. Again the priest intervened: "Gentlemen, God has again spoken; we cannot kill this man." The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free.
    At last it was the engineer's turn. He was blessed by the priest, and
    knelt, but before he placed his head on the more...

    Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'
    Collected by Richard Lederer, reprinted in N.H. Business Review
    Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
    uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with
    language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of
    courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every
    statement made during the proceedings.
    Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand
    Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers
    in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court,
    published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here
    are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers
    of the word:
    Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
    A. Borofkin.
    Q. What's his first name?
    A. I can't remember.
    Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you more...

    I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

    Little Johnny had just turned six and much to his parents' chagrin, had never
    spoken.Johnny's Grandpa, a well-known local poker player, was sympathetic to Johnny's plight, and would take Johnny with him whenever possible. One regular bonding between grandpa and grandson was at the Elk's Club Saturday night straight poker game. Johnny would sit on Grandpa's lap and faithfully watch as Grandpa regularly cleaned
    out the town council members, local attorneys and judges.One Saturday night, Grandpa's cards were running bad. Nothing was working. For the first time, it looked like Grandpa's famous winning streak was about to come to an end. Towards the end of the evening, furious at his run of bad luck, Grandpa folded and threw his cards on the pot in disgust. Johnny looked up at his grandpa and said, “You shouldn't have folded, Grandpa.”Grandpa was stunned. “Johnny, you're six years old, and these are the first words you've ever spoken!”Johnny looked at Grandpa and said, more...

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