Special Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Friends:
Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help those in need.
Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level... right here in the land of plenty. And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcy and current SEC investigation.
BUT NOW YOU CAN HELP!
For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an Enron executive remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers their per diem,... but it's a start!
Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an Enron exec it could mean the difference between a vacation spent kissing political asses in DC, golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than rent, a car note or mortgage more...

Subject: Additional Training

It is now and always has been the policy of this Company to assure its
employees that they are well trained. Through our Special High Intensity
Training program (SHIT), we have given our employees more SHIT than any
other company in the area.

If any employee feels that he or she could advance to another position by
taking more SHIT, see your supervisor.

Our management people are specially trained to assure that you will get all
the SHIT you can handle.

Any individual who feels he or she has not received sufficient Special High
Intensity Training, tell your supervisor, she he can put you at the top of
the SHIT list.
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What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
- Toys for twats.

What is red and has seven dents?
- Snow White's cherry

How can you tell Dolly Parton's more...

A woman entered a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a coffee maker for refund because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he could help.
She explained that she wanted to return the coffee maker for refund because it didn't work, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.
She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"

SCORPIO
Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn't get caught.
Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.
SAGITTARIAN
Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases.
Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a more...

What a Chinese Restaurant Menu might sound like. SUC MI PUGODA
CUNTONESE CUISINE
6969 Fellatio Blvd.
Escondildo, CA 12698
281-6969
A LA CARTE DINNER COMBINATIONS $2. 69 each Includes Smeg Roll and Fortune Nookie Cum Drop Soup 1. Goo In Hand..............$9. 69 Fresh every 2. 7 days For those dining alone Pee Yu Platter 2. Goo Wee Chick............$6. 99 Clothes pins extra Sloppy seconds no extra charge Hoo Flung Poo 3. Cum Too Soon..............$6. 99 Napkins and raincoats provided Order early, these go fast Suc Sum Tit 4. Suc Mi Wang..............$6. 99 Children's Special Traditional Chinese Meatloaf Yung Poon Tang 5. Sum Dum Chick............$4. 69 No take out orders You get what you pay for LUNCHEON SPECIALS 6. Fuc Mei Slo..............$6. 69 Not available after 10: 00 PM Sum Yung Chick........$6. 99 7. Lik Mi Clit..............$6. 99 Different and Delicious A Lip Smacking Oriental Delicacy Won Hung Lo...........$6. 99 8. Cho Kon It...............$9. 99 Not more...

Managed Friendship PlanWelcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with important cost-saving features. How Does It Work? Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff. What's Wrong with my Current Friends? If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will more...

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please."
"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling.
"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license."
The blonde then reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."
She pointed to the bottom of the license, "See? it says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."