Speak Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

    The Indian Chief proclaims,

    "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger... In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

    "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request???"

    The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

    The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

    The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request???"

    The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

    Silver is brought more...

    All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
    If being chased through town, you can usually take cover
    in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the
    year.
    All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach
    up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level
    on the man lying beside her.
    All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick
    of French Bread.
    It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
    someone in the control tower to talk you down.
    Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while
    scuba diving.
    The ventilation system of any building is the perfect
    hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in
    there and you can travel to any other part of the building
    you want without difficulty.
    If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
    ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
    You're very likely to survive any more...

    If you're easily offended (I mean VERY easily), don't read this.
    ***
    WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE... By Matt Groening (Creator of The Simpsons and Life in Hell)
    Deep Thoughts about Gender Differences
    SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
    MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
    MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
    Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter more...

    A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The
    receptionist replies "I'm sorry but he died last week."
    The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist
    replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
    The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this
    time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling you
    that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
    The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

    Lawyer's Translation

    Hot 3 years ago

    A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
    But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
    Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
    "What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
    The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me!'"

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