Size Jokes / Recent Jokes

THE GHOST SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT Also known as' Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit'. You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into more...

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch
your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor more...

Santa Sahib & Banta Sahib have decided to refute the "Small Punjabi Penis" stereotype on their top live "Santa Banta" TV show! To this end, they seek to showcase Punjabi women with well-endowed partners. So both men are standing outside the exit of a ladies' toilet in New Delhi Big Bazaar. Discreetly, they ask every woman coming out about her partner's size & performance. Sadly, all report puny 3-5 inchers & none are pleased.
Finally, just before they give up, the most beautiful Punjabi lady they've seen in weeks comes out, wearing golden sandals & a skin-tight black churidaar shalwaar kameez which emphasizes her curvy buttocks, breasts & legs!
"Behenji (sister), this is a TV survey!" explains Santa. "How large is your husband's Lann (penis) & are you satisfied?"
"Oh yes!" she replies. "He's 12 inches long & I'm VERY happy!"
Overjoyed, they quickly invite her & her husband to their show.
more...

How to Shower Like a Woman 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair. 11. Shave armpits and legs. 12. Turn off shower. 13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 14. Get out of shower. Dry more...

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said.... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. more...

A GUJJU FAMILY IN GUJARAT WAS PUZZLED WHEN THE COFFIN OF THEIR DEAD MOTHER ARRIVED FROM THE US. IT WAS SENT BY ONE OF THE DAUGHTERS.
THE DEAD BODY WAS SO TIGHTLY SQUEEZED INSIDE THE COFFIN, WITH NO SPACE LEFT IN IT. WHEN THEY OPENED THE LID, THEY FOUND A LETTER ON TOP, WHICH READ AS FOLLOWS:
DEAR BROTHERS AND SISTERS,
I AM SENDING OUR MOTHER'S BODY TO YOU, SINCE IT WAS HER WISH THAT SHE SOULD BE CREMATED IN THE COMPOUND OF OUR ANCESTRAL HOME IN GUJRAT. SORRY, I COULD NOT COME ALONG AS ALL OF MY PAID LEAVES ARE CONSUMED.
YOU WILL FIND INSIDE THE COFFIN, UNDER BA'S BODY, 12 CANS OF CHEESE, 10 PACKETS OF CHOCOLATES AND 8 PACKETS OF BADAM. PLEASE DIVIDE THESE AMONG ALL OF YOU.
ON BA'S FEET YOU WILL FIND A NEWPAIR OF REEBOK SHOES (SIZE 10) FOR MOHAN. ALSO, THERE ARE 2 PAIRS OF SHOES FOR RADHA'S AND LAKSHMI'S SONS.
HOPE THE SIZES ARE CORRECT. BA IS WEARING 6 AMERICAN T-SHIRTS. THE LARGE SIZE IS FOR MOHAN AND THE OTHERS ARE FOR MY NEPHEWS. JUST DISTRIBUTE THEM more...

MASSIVE TUMOUR

In October 1991, surgeons at Stanford University Hospital removed an ovarian tumour weighing over 21 stone from a woman. It was the largest cyst ever detached from a human being. After the operation, the woman weighed 5 stone LESS than the tumour.



BABY CHICKEN

A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York emergency room complaining of abdominal pains. During an examination, doctors found that the woman's labia were pinned together with old safety pins. Further inside, they found the dismembered body of a chicken. The woman explained that she inserted the chicken pieces, convinced that they would grow into a baby.



INNER SKELETON

A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a foetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from more...