This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.
My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...
(There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!)I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the
week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to
tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the
full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable.I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes,
hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called
3 frogs walked into a hotel and asked for a room. The receptionist said " Down the hall to the right and then to the left." When they got there it was the bathroom. So one of them slept in the sink, one in the tub and one in the toilet. So the next morning the one in the tub asks the one in the sink " How was your sleep?" " Good said the one in the sink then they exchanged. Then they went to the one in the toilet and asked him the same thing he said " It was good but a log hit me on the head and then it stated rainig.
A doctor has some trouble with the sink, on a public holiday.
He calls the local plumber, only to be told it's his day off...
"But I get called out on my days off, too!"
says the doctor, somewhat exasperated, and the plumber relents.
The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied.
He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of
aspirin and walks out, saying,
"Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, come
and see me tomorrow."
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband should never question his wife's judgement. Look whom she married!
A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day.
A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares.
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.
Advice to the new bride: You can't be treated like a doormat if you don't line down.
Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don't waste that night with the girls.
After a moment more...