Simply Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    (Forwarded by a mate in the UK)
    A mother had three daughters. She asked all three of them to make sure they wrote home after their weddings and tell her about married life.
    The first daughter wrote back on the second day after her marriage. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell House Coffee."
    Mother was confused but finally noticed an advertisement for Maxwell House Coffee. The advertisement said "Satisfaction to the Last Drop." So, Mother was happy.
    Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message simply read "Rothmans."
    So the Mother looked for an advertisement for Rothmans. She found one, and it read "KING SIZE." Mother was happy.
    Then it was the third daughter's wedding. Mother was anxious because this time it took four weeks for a message to arrive. When it did the message was simply "British Airways."
    Mother was concerned. She frantically more...

    ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal more...

    Things to Remember

    Hot 3 years ago

    Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen so that, when you remove the garment from the washing machine, you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

    Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

    Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

    Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*stard.

    Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

    Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

    An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an more...

    The Brits

    Hot 1 year ago

    This wind-up article appeared recently in an American magazine. It was taken seriously by a lot of people...

    The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeen cents American.

    If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser"- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.

    Since their Labour government whole heartedly embraced full union with Europe the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or more...

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