Shipped Jokes / Recent Jokes

Windows XP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS XP with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plactic discn thangs.
Other features: Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it more...

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the West Virginia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside West Virginia. If you have one of the West Virginia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The West Virginia edtion may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
And instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
Other features:
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes D shore
no = more...

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5, 000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150. 00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5, 000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150. 00?" The man replied, "A man died here 2, 000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren’t.
Things that must work together, can’t be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you more...

* 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
* 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year.
* 18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour.
* 2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year.
* 2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers.
* Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day.
* 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled.
* 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year.
* 880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.
* 103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year.
* 5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat.
* 291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly.
* 3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections... now that's a real problem!!!

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations Friendly fire - isn't. Recoilless rifles - aren't. Suppressive fires - won't. You are not Superman Marines and fighter pilots take note. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Try to look unimportant the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready + when you're not. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds. There is more...

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."