Screaming Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    Ghost Fun.

    Hot 5 years ago

    This one I heard from my friend:
    There was a man who stopped by a hotel and asked to use the bathroom.
    The manager said, "Sure but our bathroom is haunted by a ghost."
    The man said, "I'm not afraid of no ghost."
    So the man goes into the bathroom and he hears, "I'm the ghost of Willy Winky. I'll lick your balls and eat your weenie."
    The man runs out screaming, and the hotel manager shakes his head and yells, "I told you so!"
    Another man comes by and says, "Oh crap, I really need to use your bathroom!"
    The manager says, "Sure but there's a ghost haunting the bathroom."
    The man replies, "I don't believe in ghosts!"
    The man goes in the bathroom and hears, "I'm the ghost of Willy Winky. I'll lick your balls and eat your weenie."
    The man then runs out screaming.
    Then Santa Claus comes in and says, "I really need to use your bathroom."
    The manager says, more...

    Drilling Holes

    Hot 6 years ago

    A woman dies and goes to Heaven. While St. Peter is processing her, she hears a man screaming out in pain. She glances into the room and sees them drilling holes in the man's shoulders to fasten his wings.
    Then, she hears a woman screaming. Again she glances into the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's head to fasten her halo.
    "I've changed my mind," the woman exclaims. "I don't want to go to Heaven. I'll go to the other place."
    "I don't think you want to go down there," St. Peter replies. "They rape and sodomize you there."
    "I don't care," she says. "At least I already have the holes for that!"

    Texas Chili Contest

    Hot 6 years ago

    Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the east coast:
    Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The regular judge called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the two other judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the chili tasting, so I accepted.
    Here are the scorecards from the event:
    CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
    Judge #1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge #2: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild.
    Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me 3 beers to put the flames out. I hope this is the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    Judge #1: Smoky, with more...

    Get Away From my Deer!

    Hot 6 years ago

    It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along. They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. more...

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