Science Jokes / Recent Jokes

A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you. . . ", the sodium pined.
"It's just a phase you're going through", replied the Bunsen burner.

Via AP news

A student was arrested for uploading a video on YouTube about how to make a remote control bomb using a toy remote.

Ironically, my family had to talk me out of making a remote controlled bomb for my 8th grade science fair. I was disgruntled from my 7th grade science fair where I made a “Light Sensory Burglar Alarm System” that wasn’t even considered for a prize. Meanwhile, my friend's “Simpson Quiz Game” (which I had to help him with) got 2nd place. When I asked my science professor what he thought of my project he said, “Very good… did your dad help you with that?” I wanted to punch him in the face.

Admittedly, my bomb wouldn’t have hurt anyone.. you press the button.. a little smoke comes out.. then a sign pops up that says, “No, my dad did not help me with this.”

It was then that I decided to give up on the education system and just tell jokes… true story.

1. What do you call a plant that is vericose and eats insects?
A venous fly trap.
2. What type of drawings do botanists enter in?
Raffle-esias.
3. If Johnathan Swift was a botanist what would his smallest characters be?
The Lilly-putians.
4. What is a Sesame Street botany toy?
UTRICLE me Elmo.
5. How do florists stay dry in a rain storm?
With an Umbel-la.
6. What is a contagious desease common among agriculturists?
TUBERCLE-osis.
7. The tree got married. It wanted to show off its ring.
8. What does a botanist sleep on?
A monocot.
9. An arborist can count to Tree.
10. Who stole from the plant?
Robberulose Biphosphate.
11. What keeps a botanist going?
Tomentum.
12. What is an herbologists favorite soup?
Tomentum soup.
13. Why is the body of a plant so vulgar?
It is a thallic symbol.
14. Why was the botanist crying?
She had THYRSE in her eyes (what can I say it was more...

Teacher:Can anyone tell me what a shamrock is?
Jimmy:It's a fake diamond, Miss.
What's the longest piece of furniture in the school?
The multiplication table.
'Why are you crying, Amanda?'asked the teacher.
'Cos Jenny's broken my new doll, Miss,' she cried.
'How did she do that?'
'I hit her on the head with it.'
The night-school teacher asked one of his pupils when he had last sat an exam.'1945'said the lad.
'Good lord! That's more than 50 years ago.'
'No, Sir! An a hour and a half ago. It's quarter past nine now.'
What is the most popular sentence at school?
I don't know!
Teacher: 'Are you good at arithmetic?'
Hal: 'Well, yes and no.'
Teacher: 'What do you mean, yes and no?'
Hal: 'Yes, I'm no good at arithmetic.'
Science teacher: 'Lisa, can you tell me one substance that conducts electricity?'
Lisa: 'Why, er...'
Science teacher: 'Wire is correct.'
When is a yellow school book not a yellow school more...

Q: What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? A: Snap-on tools!

The story behind this joke:... There's this nutball who digs things out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Paleoanthropology DivisionSmithsonian Institute207 Pennsylvania AvenueWashington, DC 20078Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. "Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu more...

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester more...