School Jokes / Recent Jokes
Memo to all students:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
From students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilledat seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).
Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you more...
A family had lived in Brooklyn for three years, and their eight-year-old son had attended a Brooklyn public school for the past two years. The people of Brooklyn are renowned for their unusual, if not unique, manner of speaking, and the two years of school had given the young fellow an accent that would be recognizable anywhere in the English-speaking world.
The parents were concerned about this, for they were from Virginia, and did not think it proper that their son should speak in such a manner...excuse me, mannah.
They were well-to-do, so they imported a nanny from their home state, with instructions to Get The Brooklyn Out Of That Boy's Mouth.
Saturday morning, the nanny took the lad for the first of many walks in a nearby park. Hearing a bird making a large ruckus high in a tree, the boy said to the nanny, "Listen to that boid!"
Taking her instructions seriously, the nanny admonished him, "That's not boid, it's bird."
Puzzled, the boy more...
A kid, just getting home from school runs up to his dad...
"Daddy, daddy! I'm the only one in my class that can count to ten. Why do you rec'un so?"
"Why that's because your from Kentucky son." The dad responses.
The next day the kid gets home from school...
"Daddy, daddy! I'm the only one in my class that knows all the letters in the alphabet. Why do you rec'un so?"
"That's because you're from Kentucky son." The dad tells him again.
The next day the kid busts through the door...
"Daddy. daddy! I'm the only one in school who has a large penis, is that because I'm from Kentucky?"
The dad looks at him and says, "No that's because you're 22."
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. After applying lipstick in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints [purportedly practicing the perfect pucker].
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together who wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was to remove the waxy lipstick, and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated...
He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to more...
Story of a Physics student who got the following question in an exam:
"You are given an accurate barometer, how would you use it to determine the height of a skyscraper? "
He answered: "Go to the top floor, tie a long piece of string to the barometer, let it down' till it touches the ground and measure the length of the string".
The examiner wasn't satisfied, so they decided to interview the guy:
"Can you give us another method, one which demonstrates your knowledge of Physics? "
"Sure, go to the top floor, drop the barometer off, and measure how long before it hits the ground......"
"Not, quite what we wanted, care to try again? "
"Make a pendulum of the barometer, measure its period at the bottom, then measure its period at the top......"
"..another try? ...."
"Measure the length of the barometer, then mount it more...
John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the U.S. Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930's. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals, and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950's at the rank of full colonel.
Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what was then Fresno State College (later to become the California State University, Fresno.) His work was well respected, but after about ten years of service, he was called to see the president of the college.
He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelor's degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient qualification to more...