Runway Jokes

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    (From an article in the Globe & Mail, Jul 26, written by Bryan Johnson, in
    Pakistan:)
    First [he] tells of a pilot who spotted tracer bullets as he approached
    a runway in Northern Pakistan. So the pilot swung around and approached
    the runway from the other end only to find bullets winging by there too.
    So he tried to land on a road and cracked up.
    From whence came the bullets? Afghan rebels? Terrorists? No,
    just "one hell of a wedding party." In the Peshawar region, wedding
    guests can rent an AK-47 for a day for $2 or the use of a water buffalo.
    With tragic results. In one case, "jubilant" cousins accidentally
    "blasted away" the bridegroom's father. The wedding was postponed for 40
    days of mourning, then again celebrated amid "ecstatic volleys of flying
    lead."
    In another wedding in the region, shots from a wedding severed
    high tension electrical wires, the falling wires more...

    "Now, as we don't have enough parachutes for all of us..."
    "Of course that's not a mountain in front...isn't it?"
    "That's not meant to happen!"
    "What dy'a mean were not meant to be going to Iraq?"
    Things you don't want to see on an aeroplane:
    Fire engines and ambulances surounding the runway when you come in to land.
    Armed soldiers and tanks surrounding the runway when you come in to land.
    The wing fall off.

    (source: Rex Loring, former RAF pilot)
    Air-to-ground conversation involving BOAC pilot approaching Karachi
    (Pakistan) International Airport:
    Pilot: Speedbird 7-0-7 here. Request permission to land on runway 42-
    Left.
    Tower: Sorry, Speedbird 7-0-7. Runway 42-Left is closed. There was an
    unfortunate incident yesterday. But you are cleared for landing on runway
    19-Right.
    Pilot: Roger Karachi tower. Proceeding on approach pattern.
    [As the pilot enters final approach, he is appalled to see a 747 taking
    off from that runway and heading straight at him. After taking violent
    evasive action, the conversation resumes]
    Pilot: Karachi Tower. What is going on ?? You cleared me for landing
    on runway 19-Right, but there was another plane taking off from there !!!
    Tower: Oh dear. I do hope we will not have a repeat of yesterday.

    (Supposedly a true story - then again, aren't they all?)
    This Certified Flight Instructor and his Student are holding on the runway for
    departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops
    in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
    Tower: "Cessna XXX cleared for take-off."
    Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
    Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
    (Think-think-think.)
    Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
    Inst: "That's a good idea."
    (Taxis toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
    Tower: "Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN."
    Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
    Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
    (Think-think-think.)
    Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
    Inst: "That's a good idea."
    Std: more...

    DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
    push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits
    the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop
    on, jump off...
    Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the
    same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions
    about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need
    to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
    Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants
    couteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier
    operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above
    the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.
    OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective
    passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just
    departed, although no planes appear to be on the more...

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