Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?" replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
Two Irishmen are standing on the top of a cliff, looking out over a huge
drop to the rocks below.
One turns to the other and says, "OK, Paddy, a pact is a pact. We're
going to do it, right?"
Paddy says, "If you tink we should, Murphy, I'm with you all the way. As
you say, a pact is a pact, but you go first."
Murphy thinks about this for a moment, then says, "But you'll be right
behind me, yes?"
"Oh, yes, Murphy. I'll do it, but I want to watch you first."
"OK then Paddy. I'm going. Goodbye!"
With that, Murphy takes a budgerigar out of his coat pocket, ties some
string around its legs, and straps it firmly onto his head. He steps
forward to the edge of the cliff, and throws himself off.
The budgie flaps its wings like mad, but to no avail. It can't hold the
weight of a thirteen stone Irishman in the air by itself. Murphy falls
splat, and breaks both legs on the rocks.
A business man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a
double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks
inside his shirt pocket, then asks the bartender to prepare another
After he finishes the second one, he again peeks inside his shirt
pocket, and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
The same pattern is repeated a few rounds; the business man drinks a
double martini on the rocks, peeks inside his shirt pocket, and orders
Finally, the bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all
night long, no problem with that. But you just gotta tell me why you
look inside your shirt pocket every time before you order a refill!"
The man replies, "Oh, I'm just peeking at a photo of my wife. When she
starts to look good, then I know it's time for me to go home."
Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the veranda of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa Rabinowitz rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!" Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, "Fuck you too!" Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts, "Fuck you!" swinging more forward again. Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says, "Fuck you again." This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally Grandpa says, "You know something, Grandma, this oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be."
One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack, dies prematurely -
and goes straight to Hell. The Devil greets him, but says "I don't know
exactly what to do with you. Of course you are on my list, so you will have
to stay - but you got here a little earlier than I expected and I don't have
your room ready yet."
The Devil thinks for a moment and says, "Tell you what I can do. There are a
couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you were. I can let one of them
go so long as you take their place. I'll even let you decide who gets to
Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and
surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think
I could be doing that all day long."