Research Jokes

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    Penis Shape Research

    Hot 1 year ago

    After much discussion the scientific community decided to try to determine why the human penis was shaped the way it was. MIT allocated a budget of $200, 000 and after 2 years research decided the the head of the penis was bigger than the shaft so that during intercourse a better seal was maintained and thus preventing leakage and ensuring fertilization. Johns Hopkins Medical Center allocated a budget of $500, 000 and after 5 years research decided that the head was bigger than the shaft in order to provide more stimulation, ensure ejaculation and thus allow for impregnation. The fellows over at the University of Hawaii spent $2. 50, bought a copy of the latest Victoria's Secret catalog and reached the conclusion that the head is bigger to prevent your hand from slipping off!

    Part 9 - (The Future of Real Programmers) - the final part
    --------------------------------------------------
    What of future? It is a matter of some concern to Real Programmers that the latest generation of
    computer programmers are not being brought up with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many of
    them have never seen a computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from school these days
    can do hex arithmetic without a calculator. College graduates these days are soft - protected from the
    realities of programming by source level debuggers, text editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly"
    opearing systems. Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer scientists" manage to get degrees without
    ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an industry of Unix hackers and PASCAL
    programmers?
    From my experience, I can only report that the furure is bright for Real Programmers everywhere. more...

    MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
    EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
    PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
    COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
    Go to Africa.
    Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
    Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
    During each traverse pass,
    Catch each animal seen.
    Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
    Stop when a match is detected.
    EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
    ASSEMBLY more...

    Obesity has been getting a lot of bad press recently. Research conducted entirely by thin people, has uncovered justification for their own masochistic obsessive-compulsive, fun-killing anal retentative lifestyles.One of the great problems with research, of course, is that the researchers tend to find what they're looking for. And when they find it, they stop looking for other things. It's important, therefore, not to believe research by pressure groups that start with preconceived ideas.Examples of findings not to believe: research on the benefits of exercise by phys. Ed. Department, on the hazards of cholesterol by an anorexic and on the joy of obesity by an overweight G. P. The whole obesity phobia was started by some statistics from a life insurance company purporting to show that people who were overweight didn't live as long as people who were underweight. These were very raw figures and led to some unwarranted conclusions.First, it was assumed that if the overweight group lost more...

    A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

    "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

    The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um. .. no."

    The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

    The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

    "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the more...

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