Research Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Penis Shape Research

    Hot 2 years ago

    After much discussion the scientific community decided to try to determine why the human penis was shaped the way it was. MIT allocated a budget of $200, 000 and after 2 years research decided the the head of the penis was bigger than the shaft so that during intercourse a better seal was maintained and thus preventing leakage and ensuring fertilization. Johns Hopkins Medical Center allocated a budget of $500, 000 and after 5 years research decided that the head was bigger than the shaft in order to provide more stimulation, ensure ejaculation and thus allow for impregnation. The fellows over at the University of Hawaii spent $2. 50, bought a copy of the latest Victoria's Secret catalog and reached the conclusion that the head is bigger to prevent your hand from slipping off!

    At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"
    He calls up the lawyer.
    "Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
    The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
    The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
    "Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
    The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
    "Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse more...

    Part 9 - (The Future of Real Programmers) - the final part
    What of future? It is a matter of some concern to Real Programmers that the latest generation of
    computer programmers are not being brought up with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many of
    them have never seen a computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from school these days
    can do hex arithmetic without a calculator. College graduates these days are soft - protected from the
    realities of programming by source level debuggers, text editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly"
    opearing systems. Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer scientists" manage to get degrees without
    ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an industry of Unix hackers and PASCAL
    From my experience, I can only report that the furure is bright for Real Programmers everywhere. more...

    A Key to Scientific Research Literature
    What is writtenTrue meaning
    "It has long been known that..."I haven't bothered to look up the reference.
    "While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions..."The experiment didn't work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it.
    "The W-PO system was chosen for detailed study..."The lab next door already had some prepared.
    "Three samples were chosen for detailed study..."The results on the others didn't make sense and were ignored.
    "Accidentally strained during mounting..."Dropped on the floor.
    "Handled with extreme care throughout the experiment..."Not dropped on the floor.
    "Typical results are shown..."The best results are shown, i.e. those that fit the dogma.
    Agreement with predicted curve:"Excellent" = fair
    "Good" = poor
    "Satisfactory" = more...

    Hunting Elephants

    Hot 8 months ago

    MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
    EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
    PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
    COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
    Go to Africa.
    Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
    Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
    During each traverse pass,
    Catch each animal seen.
    Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
    Stop when a match is detected.
    EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
    ASSEMBLY more...

  • Recent Activity