Remember Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times.
One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?"
The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!"

A retiring boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card on his farewell party.

He could then remember how his staff "missed" him. Most staff members were writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same," "We will always remember you," etc.
The boss was not satisfied and asked, "I need something from the bottom of your heart... Peter, you have been working with me for the last 40 years. You are my best staff. What do you have to say?"
Slowly but firmly, Peter wrote, "The best news in 40 years."

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying
"Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too s- faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you more...

Terminology:
Shotgun - The rightmost front passenger seat in a vehicle, a prime choice for any passenger, since it is the most comfortable seat, and also because of the psychological advantage of not being forced to subserviently look at the back of another person's head during a trip.
Enthronement - The physical presence of a person in the Shotgun position.
By Laws:
Vehicle Ownership
The owner of a vehicle, if he/she isn't driving, always gets Shotgun in that vehicle. It is their car, it is their seat and they get it. This is a real bonus for an owner who is falling down drunk. They can rest assured Shotgun is rightfully theirs. They won't have to worry about concentrating through an alcohol-induced haze simply to remember to call Shotgun in their own hard-earned car. Once proper Shotgun "enthronement" rights have been established, they may also be surrendered. If the owner of the vehicle is eligible for Shotgun, but wants to sleep it off in the back more...

When my three-year-old son opened his birthday gift from his Grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to my Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."Oh, I remember...."

The proposal
Shlomo and Hetty, an elderly widow and widower, had been dating for about three years when Shlomo finally decided to ask Hetty to marry him. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, Shlomo couldn`t remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so. Wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember, but to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave Hetty a call.
Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn`t remember her answer to his proposal.
"Oh", Hetty said, "I`m so glad you called. I remembered saying `yes` to someone, but I couldn`t remember who it was."

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
1st baby: more...