Regularly Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    - Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
    - 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
    - Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
    - 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
    - 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
    - 91% lie regularly, so you can just throw away statistics like these based on their answers *grin*
    - 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
    - 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
    - 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
    - 90% believe in divine retribution (but apparently not for lying)
    - 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
    - 82% believe in an afterlife.
    - 45% believe in ghosts.
    - 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
    - 29% are virgins when they marry.
    - 58.4% have called into work sick when we more...

    - Redneck Driving Etiquette -
    Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
    When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
    Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
    When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
    Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
    Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
    Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
    - Redneck Personal Hygiene -
    Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
    If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
    While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
    Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work.
    A cigarette lighter and a small more...

    A MATTER OF COMMUNICATION
    There was a nice lady who was a little old fashioned.
    She was considering a week's vacation in sunny Florida at a
    particular campground, but she wanted to make sure of the
    accommodations first.
    Uppermost in her mind were toilet facilities, but she couldn't
    bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable
    deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she
    wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so she rewrote the
    letter to the campground, and referred to the "bathroom commode"
    as the "B.C.."
    "Does the campground have its own B. C.?" is what she actually
    wrote.
    The campground owner was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed
    the letter around to several people at the campground, but they
    couldn't decipher it either. Finally, the campground owner
    concluded that she must be referring to the local Baptist Church,
    so more...

    Easy code system to communicate with other cat owners and with the animal clinic.
    Sex:
    XFemale, spayed, no interest.
    X+Female, spayed, but still interested.
    X++Female, intact, but not particularly excitable.
    X+++I am a kitten factory.
    YMale, neutered, no interest.
    Y+Male, neutered, but still interested.
    Y++Male, intact, but not particularly excitable.
    Y+++I would go through a burning building to get at a female in heat.
    Size ("largeness"):
    L-I fit easily into your shirt pocket.
    L-I can curl up in two cupped hands.
    L-I'm somewhere between kitten-sized and average.
    LI'm average cat size, just right for your lap.
    L+I'm starting to slip off the side of your lap.
    L++I'm large enough to make a German Shepherd think twice.
    L+++People sometimes mistake me for a mountain lion.
    Weight:
    W-I'm so thin that you can count my bones.
    W-I'm slim, but healthy.
    WI'm an average cat, not too thin and not too more...

    B.C.

    Hot 6 months ago

    My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was properly equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the "toilet" facitilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up the the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode". But after she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again and re-wrote the entire letter. This time, she referred to the bathroom commode as merely B.C. "Does the campground have its own B.C.?" she wrote.
    The campground owner wasn't old-fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. The business about "B.C." stumped him. After much more...

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