Reference Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    /*
    TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
    Project: Chicago(tm)
    Projected release-date: Spring 1996
    */
    #include "stdio.h"
    #include "dos.h"
    #include "conio.h"
    #include "win31.h"
    #include "evenmore.h"
    #include "oldstuff.h"
    #include "billrulz.h"
    /*
    Reference:
    Internal memo: #99281-95
    from: William H. Gates III
    to: Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
    William H. Gates III wrote:
    "I have serious doubts about the 'EASY'
    installation-definition.
    It might prevent customers to think that they actually
    bought something _good_. Therefore I want the
    installation-definition to be 'HARD'.
    Carry on,
    Bill
    "
    */
    #define INSTALL = HARD
    void main()
    {
    while(! CRASHED)
    { display_copyright_message();
    display_bill_rules_message();
    do_nothing_loop();
    if(first_time_installation)
    { more...

    Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.
    Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long
    counter intuitive names. Don't ever code "a=b", rather do something
    like:
    AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));
    Type fast, think slow.
    Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in
    macros. Bury the macros in include files. Reference those include
    files indirectly from other include files. Use macros to reference
    those include files.
    Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your
    code. If they understand it, they don't need you.
    Never generate new sources. Always ifdef the old ones. Every binary
    in the world should be generated from the same sources.
    Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary. Always
    hide on your own disk. If they can build your binary, they don't
    need you.
    Never code a function to return a value. more...

    Proof by example:
    The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it contains most of the ideas of the general Proof.
    Proof by intimidation:
    "Trivial."
    Proof by vigorous handwaving:
    Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.
    Proof by cumbersome notation:
    Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols.
    Proof by exhaustion:
    An issue or two of a journal devoted to your Proof is useful.
    Proof by omission:
    'The reader may easily supply the details'
    "The other 253 cases are analogous"
    "..."
    Proof by obfuscation:
    A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntactically related statements.
    Proof by wishful citation:
    The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a theorem from the literature to support his claims.
    Proof by funding:
    How could three different government agencies be wrong?
    Proof by eminent authority:
    "I saw more...

    These "Weird Reference Questions" are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a "better idiot" can be invented.
    "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
    "Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")
    "I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $
    39.
    95. Do you know which one it is?"
    "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?" hahahaha...what a bone head!
    "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?" hmmm...I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen...do you?
    "I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck." (No...that's your brain miss-firing.)
    "I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would more...

    Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels."Do you have books here?""Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?""Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?""I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book,' Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")"Do you have that book by Rushdie:' Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?""Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?""Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?""Do more...

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