Reduce Jokes

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    Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment." Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this: * Warning: These cigarettes are king size - how about you? * Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller. * Warning: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you. * Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon. * Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not. * Warning: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children - That is.. if you're capable of conceiving any. * Warning: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff - so do you. * Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before? * Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub. * Warning: Don't throw lit more...

    Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment."
    Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this:
    * Warning!: These cigarettes are king size - how about you?
    * Warning!: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.
    * Warning!: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.
    * Warning!: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.
    * Warning!: Smoke rises, but you may not.
    * Warning!: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children - That is... if you're capable of conceiving any.
    * Warning!: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff - so do you.
    * Warning!: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?
    * Warning!: The only thing left after a more...

    Subject: Government Memo
    TO: All Employees
    FROM: The Premier
    SUBJECT: Early Retirement
    As a result of the SOCIAL CONTRACT implemented last year, immediate steps are being taken to reduce the number of people on our payroll - a step which we call "right-sizing". It is our intention to reduce the number of older employees and retain younger, better educated, lower paid employees throughout the province.
    The program to phase out the older personel through early retirement will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Persons Early).
    Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the province. Also, if they are being RAPED, they can request review of their employment records before actual retirement. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
    All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher more...

    The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Monday, December 7, 1992In October, an envelope containing $15,000 in cash was left, anonymously, on a chair at the Detroit IRS office with the instruction to apply it "to reduce the national debt."

    A Canadian study shows that smokers seem to have smaller penises, due to the smoking.

    Health Canada should take note of that penis study.

    There is no doubt that news of reduced size and endurance, if properly advertised, will end smoking once and for all in the male population. .. of this man hath no greater fear.

    To save taxpayers a whole bunch of money, we asked the Page Six Research and Jingle Division -- currently out stocking up on nicotine gum and Viagra -- to create some new lines for those government warnings on cigarette packs.

    Here's what came up.

    * These cigarettes are king size -- and you're not.

    * Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.

    * If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

    * Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

    * Smoke rises -- you may not.

    * Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- if more...

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