Records Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Welsh girl called Gwyneth visited Japan recently. There, people had problems pronouncing her name so she became Gwyniss. Everywhere she went, she was greeted with tremendous respect. At a farewell reception, her host said, "We've been so excited to have a famous author in our midst." "What am I supposed to have written?" she asked, baffled.
"Why, The Gwyniss Book of Records."

After dying suddenly at the age of 46, Jack the lawyer was greeted by an angel at the gates of Heaven. "We've been waiting for you for a long time," the angel said.
"What do you mean?" Jack replied. "I'm 46, right in the prime of my life, far too young to die."
"You're not 46, you're 85," said the angel. "If you think I'm 85 then you definitely have the wrong guy. I can even show you my birth certificate," Jack said.
The angel told Jack to wait while she went and checked some records. After a few minutes the angel returned and said, "By our records you are 85. I've checked all the hours you've billed your clients and you definitely have to be 85!"

For anyone else who keeps records of the trash posted on these boards.
This is your day
I am posting this from a PC that was confiscated from a user who thought nothing could happen
I bought it for GP (it's a pile)
And thanks to my records
More will be available soon
Bobby hasn't posted for a while
They must have been to his door too.

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the West Virginia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside West Virginia. If you have one of the West Virginia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The West Virginia edtion may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
And instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
Other features:
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes D shore
no = naaaaa
find = more...

MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one of the Georgia editions you may need some help understanding thecommands.The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with abackground picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shippedwith a Daisy Duke screen saver.Also note: Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.Other features: Instead of an error message you geta winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape. OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over more...

My daughter Louise says: (nwod esion taht nruT) If the religious fundies
are so worried about (trohs oot si triks tahT) Satanic backward masked
messages being inserted into pop records, why (moor ruoy ydiT) don't
they make up their own books, pop records, television programmes
(kcolc'o net erofeb ereh kcab eB) and Usenet jokes and put their own
backward (dehsinif krowemoh ruoy teG) masked messages into them?

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Halloo, can I order?"
Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on... 698-45-54610..."
Operator: "OK... you're... Mr Steven Huckleberry and you're calling from 17 Retief Str. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 082 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator: "We are connected to the system Sir."
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir."
Customer: "How come?"
Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir."
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator: "Try our more...