Records Jokes

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    In the back of the Guinness Book of World Records it states “All records are currently held by Chuck Norris, and the records listed in this book are only the records of those people who have come closest to Chuck Norris’s records.”

    Chuck Norris Facts

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    1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
    2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
    3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
    4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
    5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
    6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
    7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
    8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
    9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
    10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are more...

    Top Ten Guiness Records No One Wants To Break
    10. Longest-Running Show on CBS
    9. Least-Jiggy Human
    8. Sweatiest Palm
    7. Most Freakish Person Named "Michael Jackson"
    6. Most Times in "Price Is Right" Audience Without Being Asked to "Come On Down"
    5. Greatest Number of Obscene Phone Calls Received From Tom Bosley
    4. Most Times Hit In Face By a Goose While Riding A Roller Coaster
    3. First Person To Circle Earth in Wet Corduroy
    2. Longest-Running Marriage to Dennis Rodman
    1. Longest Fingernails (On Someone Who Doesn't Realize Their Fly Is Open)

    (Forwarded by an American friend of Italian descent).
    It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Brooklyn version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside New York. If you have one of the Brooklyn editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
    The Brooklyn edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
    It reads WINDAS 98 with a background picture of the East River with a floating body. It is shipped with a 'NYPD BLUE' screensaver.
    Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled 'Garbitch'
    My Computer is called 'My Freakin Computer,'
    Dialup Networking is called 'Good Fellas',
    Control Panel is known as the 'da Tote Board,'
    Hard Drive is referred to as 'da trunk', and...
    Floppies are them 'little Freakin plastic disc tings'.
    Instead of an error message you get a winda covered with steel bars and Grafitti.
    OKdo it I tell ya
    Cancelhell more...

    A meshulach comes knocking on a very wealthy person's door and when the owner of the house answers, the meshulach greets him, "Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein. I'm collecting for the Lotsa Gelt Yeshivah, and I'm wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldn't want to make a little contribution."
    The homeowner replies, "The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish."
    "Are you sure?", asks the Meshulach.
    "Sir, I'm positive", replies the homeowner.
    "But", says the meshulach, "It says here that you're Jewish, and my records are never wrong."
    "I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish", replies the homeowner, getting more impatient.
    "Look sir, I know that my records are never wrong. You must be kidding me. Are you sure you aren't Jewish?" demands the Meshulach.
    "For the last time sir, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, alav more...

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