Recording Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Answering Machine Recording: "You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press one. ..Now press the other one."

    42. Wear A LOT of putrid smelling cologne or perfume.43. Spill that same cologne or perfume on their book.44. Put down your book, then say, "Hey, ya wanna trade?"45. Bring a recording of very obnoxious music, and hide it in a bag. Turn it up full blast, and accuse them of having it. Keep accusing them, then get the librarian to come. When they find it in your bag, yell, "IT WAS PLANTED ON ME I TELL YOU!!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT! IT'S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY! ALIENS BEAMED IT INTO MY BAG!!! IT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T LET THEM DO EXPERIMENTS ON ME!!"46. Without looking away from your book, say to no one in particular, "I know what you did last summer."47. Bring a piece of bread, and drop pieces of it down the little hole in the center of the table meant for cords.48. While reading your book, start humming a single note until you're out of breath, then collapse on the floor. Then get back up, and continue reading like nothing happened.49. Start singing "This is more...

    A plane was once flying over an island when the passengers heard the pilot's voice: "Ladies & Gentlemen, if you look on the right side of the plane, you'll see an engine on fire. If you look on the left side, you'll see a wing on fire. And if you look down, you'll see me and my co-pilot in parachutes, waving at you. This is a recording." Aviation
    Airplane Takes Off "A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
    good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
    Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of more...

    Many people have noticed that Tolkien's novel "The Lord of the
    Rings" bears an uncanny resemblance to the game of Dungeons and
    Dragons, in that it contains elves, dwarves, orcs and so forth.
    Clearly Tolkien was much influenced by D&D, and a recently
    unearthed recording, probably made by MI5, shows him playing
    Dungeons and Dragons on the floor of his rooms in Merton College,
    Oxford, one evening, with C.S. Lewis, Charles Williams, and
    various other luminaries.
    Here is part of the transcript of the recording, which all will
    agree is of great historical interest.
    C.S. Lewis: Well, Tom, it's really good of you to come along and
    act as Dungeon Master for the evening. Haven't enjoyed myself so
    much since I played in G.K. Chesterton's dungeon and slew Father
    T.S. Eliot (for it is he): Thanks. Anyway, is Father Aslan going
    to go and explore the Waste Land further yet, or will he have
    another drink?
    Lewis: That more...

    NEW YORK (AP)-Seventy-two percent of Americans who believe in
    Heaven rate their chances of going there as good to excellent, but
    many say their friends' chances are considerably worse, according to a
    new poll.
    A San Francisco man-wearing a full uniform and carrying a handgun
    - impersonated a state fish and game warden for three months,
    checking licenses, issuing citations and confiscating fish, officials
    say. Brian Anthony Young told The Examiner that he posed as a game
    warden out of "boredom and drugs." He said he inspected more than 200
    fishermen, boats, restaurants and stores.
    At an Oklahoma rally for Republican Senator Don Nickles, Reagan urged
    his listeners to support the re-election of Don Rickles.
    New Delhi, India (AP)-Police kept 3,000 residents of a southern
    Indian village indoors Sunday and put up roadblocks to enforce a
    government ban on nude worship of a Hindu deity.
    The commission that banned the more...

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