Recognize Jokes / Recent Jokes

A middle age woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operation table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43years, 2 months and 8 days to live.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone to come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She got out of the hospital, after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

Prelude:
Here it is! The REAL Windows FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) Version 4. 2e! The authors are still searching for more Windows/Microsoft/Bill Gates related experiences, short stories, origins and other jokes. Please send them to the support site mentioned at the end of this document.

01. Novice-Question: How do I recognize Windows?
If your screen is invaded by countless silly little icons no one is able to understand, if your computers speed is reduced to almost zero, if your hard disk is full, if you can't start your normal programs anymore, then indeed you have made the fatal mistake of acquiring Microsoft Windows!
02. Virgin-Questions: What exactly is Windows? Why do I need Windows?
Windows is a form of modern warfare. It's yet another attempt of the electronics industry to rape and destroy the minds of its unsuspecting victims. And of course you don't need Windows. It needs you. Bill Gates needs you to buy it to get even more rich and more...

Three idiots try out for a job to be a detective. The trainer they have pulls out a picture. He asks them each separately, "How would you recognize this suspect?"

The 1st idiot says "He only has 1 eye"

So the trainer says "it's a profile."

Frustrated, he moves along to the 2nd one and he said, "how would you recognize this suspect?"

The idiot says "he only has one ear."

Even more frustrated he yells at her and says "its a profile!"

He goes to the 3rd idiot and once again he asks, "How would you recognize this suspect?"

The idiot answers "he wears contact lenses."

The amazed trainer goes and checks the computer database. He returns 5 minutes later and says, "wow! he does where contact lenses, how did you know that?"

The idiot replies, "he can't wear normal glasses silly, he only has one ear"

A policeman interrogates three blondes who are training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? ”
The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye! ”
The policeman says, “Well, uh, thats because the picture shows his profile. ”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? ”
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear! ”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with? ”
Extremely frustrated at more...

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect. Easy, she replied. He only has one eye. The chief was stunned. He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it! He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him. He only has one ear, was her answer. What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side! He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer. After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, He`s wearing contact lenses. This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn`t more...

A policeman was testing 3 brothers who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first one a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first one answers, "That`s easy; we`ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well... uh... that`s because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second one and asks him, "This is your suspect, and how would you recognize him?"

The second one smiles and says, "Ha! He`d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds,
"What`s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it`s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up more...

On the beach, how can you recognize a guy who uses aninflatable sex doll? Instead of staring at the bikinis, he's staring at the beach balls.