Really Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No...not really. I pee every morning at 6:00 am. I piss like a race horse; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble taking a crap?" asked the 70-year-old.

"Well, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30 am."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old more...

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said,' 'I'm off. The man should be here soon''.

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.' 'Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''

''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.

''Really?'' the photographer asked.' 'Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''

''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and more...

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either of them died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. more...

My favorite museum when I was growing up, the one that influenced me the most, was the Kit Carson Museum.
It was really impressive because right away when you walked in what you saw was this case with two human skulls in it, dramatically presented.
One skull was larger and had a label stating "The Skull of Kit Carson." That was really something.
Then, to the side, there was this smaller skull with a label that said "The Skull of Kit Carson as a Boy"...

It is the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Carrie.

He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, Carries father answers and invites him in.

'Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' her dad said.

'That's cool', says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds' why don't you two go somewhere and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.'

Bobby, is not quite sure he heard correctly, so he asks Carries dad to repeat what was just said.

'Yeah', her dad says,' Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Well, this certainly made Bobby's emotions light up. Now he's REALLY looking forward to the evening.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces more...

by Peter Leppik

The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of
the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "Is that it?"

Me: "Yep."

Server: "That'll be $1. 04, eat here?"

Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."

At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right more...

Entering a bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I am so pissed off!"
"Really?" What happened?" the bartender asked.
"Well, I met this gorgeous woman and she invited me back to her place.
We stripped off our clothes, jumped into bed and just as we're about to make love her damn husband came in the front door. So, I had to jump out the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!" the man explained.
"Gee, that really is tough!" replied the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me angry," continued the man. "When her husband entered the room, he said, 'Great! You're already naked! Let me just take a leak'. Damned if the lazy bugger doesn't go and piss out the window right onto my head!"
"Yuck! No wonder you're in a lousy mood," said the bartender.
"Yeah, but I still haven't told you what really, really got to more...