A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick
up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and more...
A guy calls a buddy, who is a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
The horse rancher asks "How will I recognize him?"
That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
The midget goes there, and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
He shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
He picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the more...
A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does.""When?" asked the visitor."Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days
and 40 nights?"The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood.""Well," the rancher puffed up, "we got about half an inch that time."
A Texas rancher was driving through Mexico and stopped at the edge of the road to admire the scenery and a white beautiful horse caught his eye. The horse looked healthy well kept and was in a separate corral. Just for tries the Texan asked one of the workers if the horse was for sale. The worker trying to communicate said "No, no, he no look to good." The Texan was not satisfied with the answered because he saw that the animal looked great and insisted on buying it, after a few arguments the worker arranged for the sale and the Texan took the horse back to his ranch. He rode the horse through his ranch and galloped to the barn when suddenly the horse ran right into the barn wall. Frustrated the Texan takes the horse back to Mexico and talks to the worker that sold him the horse and explains what happened. The worker said, "I told you he no look to good"
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed more...