Raise Jokes / Recent Jokes

All evening long four cardplayers had been pestered by Morris, a self-proclaimed genius who commented on everyone's poker hand and style of play. When Morris went out of the room for a moment, they hit on a plan to silence him."Let's make up a game no one ever heard of," one of them said. "Then he'll have to shut up."The busybody Morris returned. The dealer tore two cards in half and gave them to the man on his left. He tore the corners off three cards and spread them out in front of the man opposite him. Then he tore five cards in quarters, gave 15 pieces to the man on his right and kept five himself.

"I have a mingle," he said. "I'll bet a dollar.""I have a snazzle," the next man announced. "I'll raise you two dollars."The third man folded without betting, and the fourth, after much deliberation, said, "I've got a farfle. I'll raise you five dollars."Morris shook his head vehemently. "You're more...

To: All Employees

Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that`s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Sick Days:
We will no more...

Seeking a raise I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
*I do physical labour
*I work at great depths
*I work head first
*I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
*I work in a damp environment
*I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
*I work in high temperatures
*My work exposes me to contagious diseases Response from People & Quality: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
*You do not work 8 hours straight
*You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
*You do not always follow the order of the management team
*You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
*You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
*You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
*You leave the workplace rather messy at the more...

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?"
"Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were more...

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

A man asks his boss for a raise."A RAISE???" thundered the boss. "You're never here!""Listen; there are 365 days in a year, 366 because it is a leap year.
The working day is 8 hours, which is a third of the day. In a year,
that comes to 122 days. The office is closed on Sundays, leaving 70
days. There are 4 bank holidays, leaving 66 days. You have 2 weeks
holiday; deduct 14 days from 66 and you get 52. You don't work on
Saturdays, either. There are 52 Saturdays in a year, so you see,
you're never here!"

It may take a village to raise a child. But it only takes one condom to save them the hassle.