Quote Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Real Dilbert Quotes

    Hot 2 years ago

    A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
    1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
    2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
    3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
    4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
    5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
    6. more...

    Sky News

    Hot 5 years ago

    CLASSIC QUOTE: A quote from Sky News
    "Umm Qasr is a city similar to Southampton," UK defence minister Geoff Hoon said in the Commons yesterday.
    "He's either never been to Southampton, or he's never been to Umm Qasr," says a British squaddie patrolling Umm Qasr.
    Another soldier added: "There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us. It's more like Portsmouth."

    The night before Ramadan

    Hot 4 years ago

    by Kurl
    'Twas the night before Ramadan, and all through Kabul,
    With the Taliban facing the end of their rule;
    Bin Laden was crouching, all snug in his lair,
    For soon he would hang in the town's public square;
    As he hid in his cave, dirt and rocks for his bed
    Our brave Special Forces will soon hand him his head;
    And then deep in his bunker, a THUNDEROUS CLAP!
    As Osama prepared for the ultimate nap.
    As our B-52s did relentlessly batter,
    All his troops and companions attempted to scatter.
    From their cavernous fortress, a near blinding flash,
    And the Taliban soldiers became corned beef hash.
    In December, Afghanistan's covered in snow,
    Will it slow our campaign? Hell, the answer is NO!
    Our resolve, it is strong, and our mission is clear,
    As we wipe off their faces that most hideous sneer.
    It will not be tomorrow, it may not be quick,
    For these goons spawn from evil, their motives are more...

    You've tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.
    You name your car the General Lee.
    You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.

    A feature of America On Line (AOL) is detailed member profiles. At the bottom of each profile is a space for a personal quote. Below are some that I thought were funny.
    I'll never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception
    - Groucho
    Someone asked, "How are you", I said, "Not yet."
    - Jack Bailey
    If a tree falls in a forest with no one around.. does anyone care?
    My way of joking is telling the truth. That is the funniest joke of all.
    - G.B.Shaw
    Never attribute to malice that which can be accounted for by stupidity.
    I knew you'd be checking this. That's why it's strategically vague.
    I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in there I'll never know.
    - G.Marx
    Why are you checking my profile?
    Are cataracts... genetic blueblockers?
    The toilet is the only place where everyone knows what they are doing.
    Nancy Kerrigan has more teeth in her mouth than Jeffery Dahmer had in his entire more...

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