Quit Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    All about smoking:
    Remember, smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
    One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It's only fair. Since smokers aren't around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while they're here.
    I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.
    Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts - especially when you try to light your nicotine gum.
    Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so paramedics don't have to cut it off of you.
    The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewn right into the lining, and there's a backpack that can hold a portable respirator.
    I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. My wife is furious.

    Dear Wife

    Hot 4 years ago

    DEAR WIFE

    I'm writing this letter to you to tell you that I'm leaving you.

    I've been a good man to you for seven years, yet I have nothing to show for it.

    Life with you is unbearable. I called you at work just to see if you wanted to have lunch ( you know, maybe try to reconnect) and your boss told me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

    Last week you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new aircut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand-new pair of silk boxers to bed.

    You came home and ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching TV. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want to be intimate or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore.

    Whatever the case, I'm gone.
    Your Ex-husband

    P. S.: Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving to West Virginia, if that's a problem, TOUGH!

    DEAR more...

    Letter of Divorce

    Hot 5 years ago

    Dear Husband:
    I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
    P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
    Your EX-Wife
    Dear Ex-Wife
    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a more...

    If quitters never win

    Hot 6 years ago

    If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

    The Fern and the Bamboo

    Hot 6 years ago

    One day I decided to quit.... I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality.. ..
    I wanted to quit my life.
    I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
    "God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
    His answer surprised me...
    "Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
    "Yes", I replied.
    "When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them.
    I gave them light. I gave them water.

    The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor.
    Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.

    In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.
    And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed.
    But I did not quit on the bamboo".

    He said. "In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed.
    But I would not more...

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