A symphony orchestra is performing Beethoven's 9th in the park. It's so windy that the music sheets need to be tied down so they won't blow away.
The tuba players just did their first bit, and they won't need to perform for a while, so they go to the bar across the street to get some drinks. Finally they hear that their next part coming soon, so they go back across the street. But they're so drunk, they can't untie the music!
So the conductor looks over, and sees the tuba players, stumbling over each other trying to untie the music. He freaks out and thinks, "Oh no! It's the bottom of the ninth, the bases are loaded, and the score is tied!"
A man was in charge of offloading the grain from the ships at the harbour. Unfortunately the grain was very moist and did not get sucked up by vacuum too easily. He approached the foreman for some advice: "If at first you don't suck seed, try a drier grain."
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?
Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!
Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.
On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.
Continuing with that theme:
blackjack dealer discarded
cabinet member disappointed
''Cannabis Club'' owner disjointed
Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cow steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpiller stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted more...