Prove Jokes

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    Hunting Elephants

    Hot 5 years ago

    MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
    EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
    PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
    COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
    Go to Africa.
    Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
    Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
    During each traverse pass,
    Catch each animal seen.
    Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
    Stop when a match is detected.
    EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
    ASSEMBLY more...

    A police officer stopped a young man for speeding. He stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?" The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!" The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint. Two more...

    (Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)

    SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the Nation

    Text from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.
    10. 16 P. m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998

    Good evening.

    This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

    I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer.

    Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the more...

    The great logician Betrand Russell (or was it A.N. Whitehead?)
    once claimed that he could prove anything if given that 1+1=1.
    So one day, some smarty-pants asked him, "Ok. Prove that
    you're the Pope."
    He thought for a while and proclaimed, "I am one. The Pope
    is one. Therefore, the Pope and I are one."
    - Donald

    As a man was about to enter a bar, a nun on the step outside accosted him.
    "Young man, surely you don't intend to waste your hard-earned money on the devil's brew by entering this den of iniquity," scolded the nun. "Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children."
    "Hold on, Sister," argued the man. "How can you form such a rash judgment and condemn alcohol so quickly, when you've never tasted it?"
    "Very well, young man," the nun replied, "I will taste it, just to prove my point. Obviously, I'm not able to enter the bar, so why don't you bring me some whiskey. Oh, and in order to camouflage my intent, perhaps it would be best if you brought it in a cup, rather than a glass!"
    Agreeing, the man entered the bar and said to the barkeep, "I'll have a large whiskey. Oh, and could you put it in a cup?"
    "Good grief," exclaimed the bartender, "Sister Rose is outside again, more...

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