Programmer Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Programmer dies...

    Hot 1 year ago

    A programmer died after leading a rather quit life. This guy was lucky, he got a choice between going to heaven or hell.
    So he went on a tour of heaven with St. Peter. All around him people was singing and clapping hands or just leading a mild, peacefull existence. "Mmm, this ain't bad", thought the programmer. "But what does hell look like?", he wondered.
    Satan took him on a personal tour of Hell. They went to a bar with beautiful girls who did everything you asked with a smile. You didn't have to pay for anything, and It was situeted in a tropical paradise. "Now THIS I could go for."
    The programmer chose hell. The moment he set foot there, 4 ugly demons grabbed him and carried him off to a huge fire. Everything smelled fould and diseased, and there wasn't a sign of the tropical paradise he visited on the tour. So he asked Satan about it.
    Laughing evilly, Satan replied "That was the _demo_, man."

    In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do more...

    Just hanging out

    Hot 5 years ago

    A plumber, an electrician, a dentist and a programmer are fast friends:
    buddies for life, eternal bachelors..until the programmer announces he is
    getting married. Never ones to pass up a golden opportunity, the three
    compadres find out the name and location of the hotel where the programmer will
    be honeymooning, and bribe the desk clerk to let them in to rig a few
    'welcome' surprises.
    A week after returning from the honeymoon, the programmer meets his buddies
    in a bar for drinks, and half-heartedly chuckles with them over the gags.
    Pointing to the plumber, he comments "Yeah, the drippy faucet you couldn't
    turn off was a neat trick." And to the electrician: "And a flickering
    table lamp with no off switch was cute, too." Then, shaking a fist at the
    dentist "But, you! YOU! Novacaine in the Vaseline was one cheap shot!"
    Steven Swinkels, Manager, UTS CASE Development, Amdahl Corporation

    If God Were a Programmer

    Hot 3 months ago

    Some important theological questions can best be answered by
    thinking of God as a computer programmer:
    Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
    A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and
    candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his
    girlfriend had left him.
    Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
    A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically
    and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise, things
    can wait until tomorrow.
    Q: How come the Age of Miracles ended?
    A: That was the development phase of the project. Now we're in
    the maintenance phase.
    Q: Who is Satan?
    A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than
    he actually possesses, so nonprogrammers become scared of him.
    God thinks he's irritating but irrelevant.
    Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
    A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier more...

    When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like "data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.
    Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years, I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:
    Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
    Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
    Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On more...

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