Program Jokes / Recent Jokes
Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus.
THE NAME - Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith - now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.
THE ADDRESS - Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!
THE PHONE NUMBER - Skip it. What are the odds they'll call - 1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or more...
Dear Employee:As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).Under the terms of the new policy, an more...
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to more...
Real programmers don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell
Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
Real programmers don't write application programs. They program right down to the bare
Application programs are for dullards who can't do system programming.
Real programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get.
They are lucky to get any program at all.
Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to
understand and even harder to modify.
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.
Real programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the
novice and the coward.
Real programmers don't use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy application programmers.
Real programmers don't use more...
Special High Intensity Training - S.H.I.T.
TO: All Employees
FROM: Communications Services
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.
If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.
If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train more...
The next generation embeddable scripting language for the web!
JehovaScript (JS) is a powerful language with many advantages over
current scripting systems. Its features include active alerts, a
miracle system and error-collection. Rather than being defined as
DOM-compliant, object-oriented or nth-generation, JS is
Buzzword-Compliant, so your place at the forefront of technology is
guaranteed regardless of trend-changes in the world of computing.
Each run of a JS program is entitled to three miracles. This allows
you to deal gracefully with unexpected problems: you can create the
needed RAM if memory allocation fails, or temporarily change the
user's browser if the current browser does not support a certain
feature of the language.
Rather than create specialized logic for different situations, you can
change the interpreters beliefs about constants. For example, the more...
Quotes about computers and software and other things
' Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, because that would also stop them from doing clever things.' --Doug Gwyn
'True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches. Once you've turned the light on everyone can see...' -- unknown
'An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot' -- Rich Julius
'The C Programming Language - A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.'
'Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.'
PROGRAM - n. - A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
'Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not more...