Profession Jokes / Recent Jokes
15) Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
14) No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
13) Only three hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.
12) Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
11) Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!
10) Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."
9) Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
8) Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.
7) Toe tag paper cuts.
6) The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
5) Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."
4) Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it more...
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
Three american businessmen were on a trip to Saudi Arabia when they stumbled upon a harem filled with gorgeous girls. They went in and were getting really "friendly" with the harem-girls when the Sheik returned and caught them in the act.
He had them tied up and told them that they would each die in a manner befitting their professions.
"What is your profession?" He asked the first guy.
"I'm a policeman", he replied.
"His penis... Shoot it off!" the Sheik shreiked.
"You... What is your profession?" He then asked the second american.
"I'm a fireman.", he replied.
"His penis... Burn it off!" he bellowed.
The third guy simply stood there smiling.
"Why are you smiling?... Never mind. What is your profession?", the Sheik asked.
He gingerly replied, "I'm a lollipop salesman".
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
* SICKNESS
No excuse... We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
* AN OPERATION
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
* DEATH
1. Other than your own, this is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead more...
A rookie milkman had just started a new milk run when he happened upon a house that when he delivered the milk a beautiful woman answered the door with a see through nightie on. This happened every morning from Monday to Thursday.
On Friday the milkman couldn't take it anymore, so zipped down his fly and took out his fully erect penis and rang the doorbell to deliver the milk. To his surprise a six foot 200 pound hairy chested man answered the door.
The quick thinking milkman said, "If you don't pay for your milk today I'll piss all over you!"
A saleslady from a major condom company was required to travel cross-country to meet a perspective buyer. Her boss asked her to take about 100 condoms of various types with her.
As she was running late for her flight, she simply stuffed them all into her briefcase. The cab ride to the airport was delayed by traffic and she had just enough time to throw her ticket at the counter and run onto the plane. As she jumped into the airplane, she dropped her briefcase and all the condoms flew out all over the floor in front of all the passengers and crew. They all stared amazed at the display and then looked to the woman who said sheepishly, "I'm meeting a new client."
A doctor, an architect and a polotician were arguing over the oldest profession in the world.
The doctor said it was his job because Eve was created from Adam's rib, a surgical procedure.
The architect said it was his job because before that there was chaos and the world was made from this chaos with an architect.
Then the polotician said "And who do you think caused all this chaos?"