Proceed Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    At The Stock Show

    Hot 2 years ago

    A man and his wife go to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that has the bulls. They come to the first bull and his sign states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
    They then proceed to the next bull and his sign states: "This bull mated 68 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This bull mated 68 times last year. That works out to over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one, too."
    Finally, they proceed to the last bull and his sign states: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and she says, "WOW! This one mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY. Boy, you could really learn from this one."
    The man turns to his wife and calmly says, "Why don't you go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

    Survivor, Texas style

    Hot 7 years ago

    A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.
    Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
    The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

    Cutting Labor Costs

    Hot 4 years ago

    The railways are always looking for ways to cut labor costs. Years ago there used to be five crew members on a train. Then they went to four, then three, and now many freight train crews are made up of two people, the engineman and the brakeman.
    They finally figured out a way to eliminate one more crewman, and many were surprised to find out that they were eliminating the engineman. They replaced him with a baboon who had been sent to school for just one day. Most engineers study for years before they can qualify for the job.
    On the first trip the brakeman was a bit leery, but thought he'd give it a try. They outfitted the cab of the engine with two color monitors, one in front of the baboon, and one in front of the brakeman.
    While in the yard, the brakeman heard the carman on the radio call for the brakes to be setup for the brake test. The screen in front of the baboon flashed the message "SETUP BRAKES" and the baboon did.
    Next, the carman called for the more...

    Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.
    Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your
    mind and. . . begin.
    1. What do you put in a toaster?
    The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.
    2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?
    Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with
    reading something more more...

    by Robert Chen
    You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
    1. Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Sip some soda up and spray it on the person next to you. Pretend nothing happened.
    2. Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new ketchup.
    3. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food.
    4. After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn to the person nearest to you and say, "Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish] fly like that before?"
    5. Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.
    6. Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced, request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil more...

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