Prisoner Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Planting the Lettuce

    Hot 4 days ago

    A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

    "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

    The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:

    "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

    A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

    "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

    The prisoner wrote another letter back:

    "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

    A pretty woman was serving a life sentence in prison. Angry and
    resentful about her situation, she had decided that she would rather
    die than to live another year in prison. Over the years she had
    become good friends with one of the prison caretakers.
    His job, among others, was to bury those prisoners who died in a
    graveyard just outside the prison walls. When a prisoner died, the
    caretaker rang a bell, which was heard by everyone. The caretaker
    then got the body and put it in a casket.
    Next, he entered his office to fill out the death certificate before
    returning to the casket to nail the lid shut. Finally, he put the
    casket on a wagon to take it to the graveyard and bury it.
    Knowing this routine, the woman devised an escape plan and shared it
    with the caretaker. The next time the bell rang, the woman would
    leave her cell and sneak into the dark room where the coffins were
    kept.
    She would slip into the coffin more...

    A
    prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear
    Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the
    back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
    The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read
    all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever
    you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where
    I hid all the money."
    A week or so later, he received another letter from
    his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe
    what happened, some men came with shovels to the house,
    and dug up the entire back garden."
    The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear
    wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

    The Execution

    Hot 1 year ago

    Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day. The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?" "Head up," said the doctor. "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free. Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" said the executioner. "Head up." "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the more...

    Escaped prisoner

    Hot 1 year ago

    A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
    As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her
    on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.
    I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.
    This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.
    Be strong, honey. I love you."
    To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
    He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the more...

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