Staten Island contractor, Procofacio Unscrupulata, age 62, of 69 Grotto Boulevard, South Beach, died yesterday from injuries received in the collapse of a building he was inspecting prior to sale at a public auction.
Born in Monte Marrona, Sicily, Unscrupulata was brought into this country at the age of 11 by his parents, Regurgito and Nauseatta Unscrupulata. Prior to his untimely demise, Unscrupulata was the president of the Negligenta Construction Company, which he founded with his late brother, Devio. Before his association with the Negligenta Construction Company, Unscrupulata worked for the Profuso Cesspool Cleaning and Catering Company. He is survived by his wife, Inconsolata: their sons, Retardo, Cretio and Imbecillio; daughters Ovaria, Fallopia, and Clitoria: two sisters, Mrs. Hysteria Psicosi and Mrs. Mammaria Pendulosa: a half-brother, Prolifico Fornicata and 14 grandchildren, all of the Grotto Boulevard address.
Active for many years in community affairs, more...
...probably one of the best...
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid
skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your
theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of
Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it
appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of
the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to
be the "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great
deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior
work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with more...
All workers please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy.MemorandumTo: All EmployeesFrom: HeadquartersSubject: Business Travel Policy GuidelinesDate: June 16, 2000Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.TransportationIf commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure more...
An official staff visit by LTG Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.
Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.
All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."
Personnel will utilize standard more...
Copied from Ann Lander's Column:
Landers: Santa's 'official' visit has special Claus in military directives.
DEAR Ann Landers: I found this on the Internet and thought it was a hoot. I hope you will print it for Christmas. - Steve Online
Dear Steve: Although the Internet has attracted an amazing amount of garbage, it has also made a great deal of valuable information available to millions of people. Thanks for your charming contribution. Here it is:
This in from retired Air Force Brig. Gen. Bob Clements. Please read.
To: All Retired Military Personnel
Subject: Official Command Visit
This office has been informed of an official visit by Gen. Santa Claus to this base on 25 December. The following directives will govern activities of personnel during this visit:
No creatures will stir without official permission. This will include all native mice. Special stirring permits will be obtained through the orderly room.
Personnel will settle their brains for more...