Porch Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 more...

on the subject of cajuns and lake charle
as we were discussing earlier...
Jean Paul and Beaudry, two Louisiana natives, were the best
of friends. They had grown up together in the backwoods and did
everything together; huntin', fishin, drinkin', just everything.
One day they arrived home from a night of coon huntin' and Beaudry
found his wife not at home. He waited and then called around looking
for her, but never could locate her. He called on his friend Jean Paul
and called his wife's church friends and the sheriff, but no one knew
where she was. After three days Beaudry became despondant and depressed.
that afternoon Jean Paul came by and found his compadre sitting on the
porch, his eyes red and strained from worry.
"Beaudry my frien'," Jean Paul placed a firm hand on his buddy's
shoulder. " I have good news and bad news ."
"Oh no. Tell me Jean Paul. I know it must be about my wife."
"I'm more...

A man and his wife live in a row house where all of the houses look alike. The wife tells the husband that everytime he goes out he returns to the wrong house and disturbs the neighbors.
To fix the problem the man puts a lantern on his porch to remind him of his house.
So, like clockwork he goes out and gets plastered. Upon returning home he sees the lantern and says to himself "Theres my house and there's the lantern I put on the porch."
Satisfied with himself he walks onto the porch and puts his key in the door, "I knew it, this my house cause my key works."
Now even more impressed with himself, he enters into the house and goes to his bedroom. Upon entering he exclaims, "I knew this was my house cause there is my wife, and there I am in bed with her!"

1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car. 2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. 3. You think the stock market has a fence around it. 4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater. 5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. 6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 7. You own a homemade fur coat. 8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. 9. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so Ican take a bath." 11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." 12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. 13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call fromthe Governor to spare a loved one. 16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hallbecause of her language. 17. Someone more...

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF ***
There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of
sand, etc.)
Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the
door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or
Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in
big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say,
"It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut
the door.
Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters
come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell,
"Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure
out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural
"whirring" sound.
After you give more...