Policeman Jokes / Recent Jokes

This wind-up article appeared recently in an American magazine. It was taken seriously by a lot of people...

MONEY
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeen cents American.

MAKING FRIENDS
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser"- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.

CUSTOMS
Since their Labour government whole heartedly embraced full union with Europe the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or more...

A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph!
The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?"
The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that."
The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?"
The man replied, "I don't have one officer."
"Of course you do," said the policeman.
"No sir, I don't," said the man.
"So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman.
"This is not my car, I stole it," said the man.
"You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.
"Yes I'm afraid so sir,"
Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to."
The man more...

The Hunchback of Notre Dame is about to retire, and has been notified by his bosses that he must first find a replacement bell ringer.
He places a notice in the "Help Wanted" section of the local paper, and one day an applicant climbs the stairs to the bell tower, in search of employment.
The Hunchback cautions him on the dangers involved in the job - mainly, that of slipping and falling to one's death while bell ringing. The applicant seems unimpressed by this, and explains to the Hunchback that he comes from a long line of bell ringers, and that his family uses a special bell ringing technique.
The Hunchback, eager to see this, asks him to audition. The applicant goes up to a large bell perched high in the tower, pulls it towards him, and smashes his forehead into it to make it sound. Dazed from the impact, he stumbles and falls from the tower to his death below. The Hunchback climbs down there to find a crowd gathered and a policeman who says, "I see more...

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back. They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it. The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?" The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor." Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?" The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor." The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?" The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President." This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is m ore important than the President?!" more...

Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. "Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves." The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!" So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

A man selling carpet called a home and a little boy with a whisper answered the phone the man introduced himself to the child and asked if he could speak to his father the little boy said, "no" the man asked why not? The little boy exclaimed, " He`s busy" so the man asked to speak with his mother, the little boy said, "no" the man asked why not? The little boy said, "She's busy" so the man asked if there were any other grown ups in the house. The little boy said, " yes a policeman and a fireman" the man asked to speak to the policeman the little boy said, "no" He`s busy so the man asked to speak to the fireman and the little boy said, "no" He`s busy so the man puzzled said, there are four grownups in your house and they are all busy, do you mind if I ask what are they doing? The little boy still in a whisper says " yah they are looking for me"

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, “Yes Officer? ”
“What are you doing? ” the policeman asked.
“What does it look like? ” answered the young man. “I’m reading this magazine. ”
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, “And what is she doing? ”
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, “What does it look like? She’s knitting. ”
“And how old are you? ” the officer then asked the young man.
“I’m nineteen, ” he replied.
“And how old is she? ” asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, “Well, more...