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Calculators

Hot 1 year ago

Kurt and Megan (a blonde) were bored in math class and one day when they decided to play "The Calculator Game". I'm sure many people reading this remember it - it's the one where you enter "1 + 1 =" into your calculator and continue pressing the "=" sign. The goal is to see who can get to the highest number while the math teacher is talking. Bring back any memories? Anyways, Kurt and Megan waited until the teacher started talking, and the contest was on! Fingers were pushing the "=" sign like mad. A hour and a half later, Kurt and Megan compared results. Kurt showed his number: 5,318,008. Megan said, "I don't get it. I was feeling so clever and I thought I'd play a trick on you, but I'm still at 1!!!"
"Well, what trick did you play?" Said Kurt.
Megan said, "I know that multiplication makes numbers bigger than addition does, so instead of pushing 1 + 1 =, =, =, =,..., I pushed 1 x 1 = = = = =..."

Steven Spielberg was discussing his newest project - an action docudrama about famous composers, starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all being courted for the top roles.
Hoping to have the box office "oomph" of these superstars, Spielberg was prepared to allow them to select the composers they would portray, providing they were among the most famous.
"I have always admired Mozart," declared Stallone. "I would really love to play him."
"I have always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," stated Seagal. "He is the one I would like to play."
"Chopin has always been my favorite and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," Willis said. "I'll play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid," he said. Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Well Arnold, who would you more...

Soliciting Donations

Hot 5 years ago

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."

Terrible temptation!

Hot 7 years ago

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he's going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation's terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife.
"Darling" he says, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let's see how well you play that harmonica."

Equal?

Hot 5 years ago

"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal; but boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your
home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they more...

English Language

Hot 6 years ago

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetraian more...

Well Below Par

Hot 3 years ago

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand, "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, and then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as
your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored, and agreed to play. more...